My life has come full circle which means it is time to start again.
I often find that I hear exactly what I need to hear, exactly when I need to hear it. I remember that happened one night in university. It was a weeknight, probably a Tuesday. I had recently started reading about saints and yogis, and I was starting to do yoga and clean up my lifestyle. I was drinking less, smoking less weed, and going to bed earlier. Some friends and I decided to go out for dinner and, after we had finished eating, one of my friends suggested that we order a pitcher of beer. In my mind, I envisioned exactly how the rest of the night would go. We would drink the first pitcher pretty quickly. We would then order another, and another. We would laugh and joke around and have a good time. It would be fun. Eventually we would go back to my place and smoke weed and stay up late. I would sleep in the next day and miss my first classes.
The idea was tempting. I always enjoyed drinking with those guys. We did have a lot of laughs. But university had been, up until then, a mostly unsatisfying experience. I was not engaged or motivated. And, although I had good male friends, I didn’t have any girlfriends or even close female friends for a few years. I was insecure and overly self-conscious. I was lonely. In fact, I was love-sick. But then I found God.
The first spiritual thing that I ever read (independently) was a little booklet written by a yogi in India who I would later adopt as my Guru. The pamphlet was about the idyllic village life of ancient India (or at least in the time before the British came). He talked about how everyone knew that God was the greatest, and so they didn’t delude themselves into thinking that wealth and pleasure would bring true happiness in life. People focused on their duties, and their spiritual life. Most people got married. The author referred to those people as “householders” but there was a class of people who dedicated their lives entirely to spirituality. They were (and are) called Sanyasis. They swear off wealth and ownership of property. They vow to remain celibate and live dependent on God their entire lives. They were not meant to merely sit and stare at clouds all day. They were meant to focus their efforts on prayer and spiritual discipline, which would, ideally, allow them to act as spiritual knowledge keepers and guides for the rest of society. In return for fulfilling that role, people fed them and made sure that they had clothing and shelter. (Sanyasis could not accept money.) That idea really appealed to me. I never liked competing against others for financial success. And I always felt insecure when it came to romance. (I later realized it was a product of growing up with very serious, intimidating, and non-romantic women in my family) I couldn’t make sense of the promiscuous dating world of university. I was looking for strong and committed love. But I was not yet ready to be strong and committed in a relationship. So, spiritual life greatly appealed to me. I could focus my thoughts on God and let him fill and soothe my heart.
I had just started down this path and was feeling enthusiastic and hopeful for the first time in my adult life. But I had not yet fully detached from my previous way of living, which was “eat, drink, and be merry” and ignore the emptiness inside. So, when my friend suggested that we order pitchers, I was tempted to slide right back into that familiar habit. But, lucky for me, the restaurant had an Asian theme, and the waiter brought us fortune cookies with our bill. I opened mine up and the fortune said, “Stick to your chosen path.” That was all I needed to hear. I thanked God in my heart, I apologized to my friends for being unable to drink with them that night, and I went home with a smile on my face. I got a good sleep, and woke up the next day feeling optimistic for the future.
My wife and I took our baby to church yesterday for the first time. I usually go every week, but she only comes with me once every six weeks or so. I always appreciate it when she does. Catholic Mass isn’t her thing. But she comes every now and then out of love for me and respect for God.
Yesterday was significant because we went to the same church as many of my aunts and uncles, and we went for coffee with them afterwards so that everyone could meet the baby. He was very calm at both the church and the café. One of my aunts was holding him on his belly and I was amazed to see the look of confusion on his face. He can barely see, so he definitely did not learn to make that expression from watching the faces of others. It is innate in him. We never hold him on his belly like that. So, it was a new experience. And he had never met my aunt before. Altogether it had him very confused and the look on his face was priceless.
But back to the church experience: The first reading and the Gospel passage were both about humility. In the Gospel passage from Luke, Jesus said “all who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Luke 14:11)
It made me think about my aspirations for this blog. I was hearing exactly what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it. About a week ago I had a sudden change of feelings about this blog. I realized that I had gotten carried away with checking how many likes my FB posts were getting, and how many people were reading the blog. I was checking constantly and, while doing that, I was getting caught up in dopamine scrolling. (For those of you who don’t know that term, it means scrolling mindlessly, usually viewing posts selected for you by an algorithm.) I had a sudden wake-up call moment, and I decided to delete facebook and the website traffic apps from my phone and swear off the mindless scrolling. I needed my mind back. It belongs to me, and I shouldn’t let anything else control it. (Especially not an algorithm)
I also realized that my blog wasn’t going to go anywhere if I was motivated by pride. Some proud people succeed at their goals. But I know that God has a different plan for me. My success is to be spiritual and so, to help me, God will humble rather than exalt me. That is the surest way to set me free from my ego and help me achieve real happiness. I had such a realization a week ago. I had gotten carried away with my own egotistical dreams of fame and fortune (well, I only ever wanted to earn enough to maybe be able to supply teach instead of teach full time). It was time to get my priorities back in line and focus on my duties rather than my aspirations. Hearing those readings assured me that my thinking was correct and it motivated me to harden my resolve.
Becoming a dad (for only 3.5 weeks so far!) has been an incredible blessing. It has given me renewed motivation to “stick to my chosen path.” As a Kindergarten teacher, I see the state of modern parenting. I see what happens when parents give their children screens and treats instead of their own presence and attention. I didn’t want to be glued to my phone anymore. Imagine how unfair it is to the kid! He can only lay there, either eating, sleeping, or squirming. And yet I get to entertain myself on a phone? It is not fair, and it teaches the kid something terrible. Actually, it teaches them a lot of bad things. But the biggest thing it teaches a kid is that they need to look out for themselves. They can’t rely on anyone else. Why do we have so many rebellious kids today? Why is there an epidemic of rudeness, disobedience and full-on oppositional defiance? It is in part because, from the time they are born, they see that their parents cannot be relied upon, and they are not to be emulated. Kids are wired to seek security, and they are also wired to seek role models. When they see that their parents are addicted to screens, the child feels insecure and, deep down, they know that they should not follow that example. They CAN’T follow that example anyway. They don’t have independent access to screens until they are older. So, when they are young, all they know is “I can’t be like my parents.” That also tells them not to listen to their parents. Why would anyone listen to someone who they don’t want to be like? I wouldn’t take dietary advice from a sick person, nor dating advice from a lonely and bitter person.
O.k. enough guilt tripping parents. What they are doing is just a symptom of a larger problem in society: an overall lack of willpower. I do not know the cause, but I can name several contributing factors: instant gratification in everything from fast food to social media to artificial intelligence to streaming services to TikTok to Only Fans. It all discourages patience and will power. And, that lack of willpower is what I see in parents today.
My mother died in a car accident when I was 16. Years later my dad told me about a conversation they had a few weeks before her death. They were getting ready for bed one night and, out of nowhere my mom said, “Yup, the girls are going to be fine.” (She was referring to my two older sisters) “They are doing great in university. They will be teachers and great mothers.” My dad was confused as to why she was saying all this at that time. She went on, “And ______ (my older brother) is going to be fine. He is in university now and he is going to be a musician and he’s going to make some woman really happy.” (He has). There was a pause. Finally, my dad asked, “And what about Ted? (me)” My mom replied in an almost dismissive way, “Oh Ted’s smart, he can do whatever he wants.” A few weeks later she was gone. My dad took heart from that conversation. Without knowing it, she let him know that she died without regrets, as if she had fulfilled her duties in life and was ready to move on. (My mom accomplished a lot more in life than just raising four kids, BTW)
24 years later, I have done whatever I wanted to. Of course, I have only ever been motivated enough to put my energies towards a few things. That is to say that I have only ever considered a few things worth doing in life. Those are the things that I did, and I succeeded at them. I focused my life on spirituality, and I experienced health, happiness, and a full heart. I built up a successful business (With a lot of initial help from my dad, and then a lot of patience and unselfishness on the part of my brother.) I tried religious life in the official sense and I lived that to the fullest extent for three years. (For example, I dove into prayer, I independently sought opportunities to volunteer in hospitals, and I made connections in each community I lived in) I learned a second language when that became essential in my life. I became a teacher, and I survived the first and most challenging years. I managed to take extra courses in my spare time and improve my qualifications. And now my life has come full circle, and I am a husband and a father. I have done everything that I wanted to do except one thing: I never succeeded as a writer. But that is a goal that I have only ever chased half-heartedly. (Deep down I have always remembered the words of my guides in life, and so I have never chased fame like some other people have.)
Yes, my life has come full circle now and it is time to begin again. I still have much to learn in life and, once again, I am hearing exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. It is time to abandon any prideful ambition and focus on doing my duties. But that is a lesson that I have heard many times in life. Right now, life is teaching me a new lesson, and it is coming from an unusual teacher.
My son only does a few things: He eats, squirms, burps, flails his arms around, and sleeps. (His favourite sleeping position is with two hands and his chin on his mother’s breast. In that moment he has everything he wants in life.) And yet he is becoming my new role model. For one week now I have not been dopamine scrolling. I have been getting up and starting my day rather than looking at my phone in bed. I am trying to live with a free and present mind, just like my son. And, it feels amazing. I feel like I am getting my will power back.
Our modern life is antithetical to will power. I don’t know if it saps it, or extinguishes it, stops it from developing, or what. All I know is that the more I look at my phone, the less willpower I have. That stops now. My mom recognized that I could do whatever I want in life, and that is what I want for my son as well. I want him to be able to do whatever he wants, not what an algorithm chooses for him. I want him to have his own thoughts. I want him to be able to consider his own choices. I want him to be able to think and feel and be still and be at peace. I want him to be able to have the serenity that he has now. He can’t have that if he is addicted to a phone. And I can’t raise a sober kid if I am an addict. I refuse to set him up to fail. I need to set myself free so that he can be free as well.
Like I said earlier, I have done everything that I wanted to in life. (Maybe I need to re-read yesterday’s Mass readings. It sounds like my head is getting big again.) The problem with that is that sometimes I feel like there is nothing more that I need to do, and so I can just relax, stream a movie, and scroll on my phone. But that scrolling just destroys my sense of peace in life.
I needed to make a change, but I lacked motivation. I wasn’t going to do it if it was just for myself. My son gives me the motivation I was lacking. I am going to try to be present for him, for both of our futures. I am going to try to rediscover my will power live by it every day so that he grows into a man who can do whatever HE wants to in life, just like his dad. And I am going to try to rediscover the peace of the present moment. It has always existed and will always exist but if I want to experience it, I need to be free from compulsion to look at my phone. That is why, from now on, I don’t care how many FB likes or website visits I get. I am not going to check. This blog is for me, my son, my wife, and my students (who will benefit from a more focused teacher). That is a big enough world for me.
All that being said, I still do hope that some other people enjoy reading about it.