Don’t fire me for talking about Krishna on Fathers’ Day.

A little while ago I chaperoned a school dance for kids in grade 6 to 8. It wasn’t just kids from our school. Students from other Catholic schools in the area were invited as well. Not many teachers wanted to be there, so I volunteered to help out. I was stationed in the gym, standing by the outside door to make sure that nobody snuck in or out. Nobody tried to get past me. But I did have to break up a group of guys trying to pants one of their friends.

Standing there, watching that dance, made me realize how different life is for this generation of kids. When I was at a dance in grade 6/7/8, we mostly walked around, mingling and joking around. But when the slow songs came on, we all found a girl to dance with. I had lots of friends who were female, and I remember slow dancing with all of them. At the dance I chaperoned, I saw a total of two couples slow dance. And, in both cases, they only slow danced for like 5 seconds. Why? As soon as they started, a bunch of people pulled out their phones and started filming. I could see all the flashlights pointed at them. After a few seconds of that, the boy and girl gave up on the whole thing. Wow, I thought. I never considered THAT effect of smart phones. The kids are afraid of doing anything that could be captured on camera or talked about in group chats. They must feel like celebrities, afraid to do anything in public.  

How can kids be themselves if they feel like they are constantly being scrutinized?

For my part, it was pretty awkward to stand there for 2 hours, watching kids dance. I just stayed in the corner with my back up against the wall. My body language said, without a doubt, that I was not enjoying the experience. I volunteered to help because I knew that the principal and vice principal needed people. I like being part of a team. So, I was happy to lend a hand and earn a few brownie points. But I took no pleasure in being there. I am sure the kids could see that.

I did crack a smile at one point. It had nothing to do with the kids. The song “pink pony club” came on and I remembered how my wife dances to it. Picturing her smile as she jumped back and forth, feet together… made me laugh out loud. My wife is sweet. Other people have described her as “uninhibited”, “without guile”, and “captivating”. To me, she is indescribable, and I can’t think of anyone to compare her to. She is hilarious, fun, sweet, innocent, sincere, playful, witty, charismatic, and charming. I think that if they made a movie about her, they would not be able to find an actress to depict her accurately. She is, herself, more dramatic and expressive than any actress. She makes me laugh all the time. And, she really likes the song “pink, pony club.” She dances to it by jumping side to side, feet going one way, hips going the other way, shoulders swaying, arms up, and all smiles. When that song came on, I thought of her dancing, and I started to laugh.

It made me think about attachment. I have read a bit about attachment theory, and I can see how it works with my students. Basically, if you have an attachment to a parent who makes you feel completely secure, and completely loved, then you are likely able to handle almost any situation and get along easily with people. If not, you will be deeply insecure, and all kinds of problems will result.

(Disclaimer: for your kids to feel totally secure with you, you need to set boundaries for them and show them that you are strong willed.)

My wife makes me feel completely secure and completely loved. When I looked around the room at the dance, I suspected that a lot of those kids did not feel completely secure and completely loved.

Experts on education say that even just one caring adult can make a huge difference in the life of a child. Particularly in high school, if a kid has one solid connection to a teacher, they are much more likely to succeed by all the standard metrics.

The sad thing about attachment theory is that it seems to be cyclical.  If a parent is unkind, inconsistent, neglectful, or unavailable, then the kid will likely grow up with deep rooted insecurities and, if and when they become a parent, they are likely be unkind, inconsistent, neglectful, or unavailable too.

It is sad to see the results of insecure attachment. Sometimes kids are desperate attention seekers, totally unable to focus on tasks. Some kids have no resilience and can’t handle any setbacks or slights without going into a rage. Some kids are always trying to control others. They flip out when people don’t do what they want. The kids with secure attachments, however, just shrug all that stuff off. At school, they just work on their projects and are nice to everyone. Nothing really bothers them. From the moment they were born they have felt completely secure and completely loved.

So, how do we get people from feeling insecure to secure? Well, I have an idea. But it is a risky one. I would need to talk about something from my past that, as a Catholic school teacher, I don’t often mention: Before I was a Catholic monk, I was an aspiring yogi. I went to India five times. I was a student of a Guru. (now passed away) And, I have read both the Mahabharata and Ramayana several times. (probably at least 6 times each). To really address the issue of attachment, I need to refer to Indian spirituality.  

Before I do, I should say that the Catholic church says that there is truth in every religion, but only the Catholic church has the fullness of truth. I have heard of Catholics who say that anything other than Christianity is devil worship. But the Catechism of the Catholic church recognizes the validity of other religions. It does NOT say that Hinduism is evil. But don’t worry, I am not going to promote Hinduism. I am going to refer to something that I learned which will, in the end, give glory to the Christian God.

There is a story from Hindu mythology about a demon king named Naraka who conquered the Earth and captured 16,108 women for himself. Krisha, considered to be an incarnation of God killed Naraka and freed the women. Most narratives would have ended there. God triumphed over evil and saved the lives of thousands of innocent women. But the story was not over because the freed women were still in a pickle. They had been captives of a demonic king, and so it was assumed that he had raped them, or they had given themselves to him. They feared that, when they went home, they would be ostracized. No men would marry them, and they would have no place in society. So, Krishna married all 16,108 women himself, and not in a “sister wives” type of way. He gave himself entirely to each and every one of them.

A travelling sage once visited Krishna and asked him how he managed to be a husband to 16,108 wives. He assumed that Krishna must have been neglecting most of them. But Krishna invited the sage to go and see for himself. So, the sage walked around Krishna’s city and found that Krishna had built a palace for each of his 16,108 wives. And, in each palace, the sage saw Krishna himself being a husband and father. In some palaces, the sage could see Krishna eating a meal with his family. In others, Krishna and his family were offering worship. In some windows, the sage saw Krishna tucking children into bed while his wife leaned against the door frame, arms crossed with a smile on her face. In some windows he saw Krishna and his wife sitting on the couch watching a Netflix documentary about Pangolins, while Krishna rubbed his wife’s feet. Oh wait, no, that was my window. My wife is 7 months pregnant and her poor feetsies are swelling.  

Krishna wasn’t neglecting anyone. He gave himself entirely to each of his 16,108 wives. How did he do this? In Hinduism, Krishna is an incarnation of God, THE God. Hindus are not polytheistic, it’s just that, in addition to God, they believe in heavenly beings, in the same way that Catholics believe in saints. But Krishna was an incarnation of God, and so he could be in countless places at the same time. He could multiply himself as many times as he wanted to. Krishna was omnipotent. And, with all that power and all those abilities, what did he do? He lived normal, humble married life, 16,108 times over. And he loved each and everyone of those women. He gave himself entirely to each one.

So, what does this mean for Christians who don’t believe any of this? Well, it means a lot actually.

A person cannot say, “Oh yeah, that Hindu God is extremely loving, but he isn’t real. That is devil worshipping. The real God isn’t THAT loving. The real God wouldn’t do that” What do you mean? Are you saying that the real God is LESS loving than that? Even if Hinduism is devil worshipping (which it isn’t), the Christian God MUST be that loving if not more so.

God is the greatest. God is the highest. God is beyond our understanding. God is the most loving. God is the most kind. There is no better love than God’s love. Even in terms of ideas, there cannot be an idea of anything greater than God. St Paul said, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the human heart conceived, what God has prepared for those who love him” (1 Corinthians, 2:9) What this means is that the human mind and heart cannot even conceive of how loving God truly is. So, even if Krishna is just a made-up character from a story, no human author could dream up a character that is more loving than God, who is more loving than we can imagine. So, God must be at least, if not even more loving than he is depicted in the example of Krishna and his 16,108 wives. Therefore, that story is true, whether you believe it happened or not.

The question is: what does it mean to us? Well, it could be the answer to our problem of attachments. You see, I wasn’t always comfortable at school dances. I wasn’t always confident talking to women. I used to be quite anxious, frustrated, bitter, and depressed… that is until I started talking to God. Once I found God and started thinking about him, praying to him, and feeling his presence, I felt secure and loved just the way I was. My self confidence went way up. My bitterness vanished. I was no longer frustrated with life. I was happy. And, when I was happy in life, I was able to make other people happy as well. Because I had God, I was able to give myself to my wife. Now I get to be happy with her.

I have read many descriptions of prayer and I have tried to come up with my own description. It is hard. Prayer, for me, can be repetitive and meditative. It slowly aligns my mind and heart with God. I often focus on saying certain words, or being fully aware of the present moment. But whatever I am focused on, it always leads to the encounter. And, for me, the encounter with God is an experience of being fully safe, free from any danger, threat, stress, or worry. It is being fully known, fully loved, and fully o.k. just the way I am. The experience is fleeting. But in the moment of encounter with God, everything is right. It feels like the fullness of life, even though it is totally peaceful. I think that is what people need. That is what could transform someone from and insecure child into a secure parent. And, that is for everyone. There is no limit to how many people God can be with. You can have his full attention anytime you want. He isn’t too good for you. Do you think all of those 16,108 women were perfect? Krishna didn’t love some more than others. He didn’t pick favourites. He loved them all. And he also was there for all his kids.

All of us can have that. But, people who had secure attachments with their parents generally have an easier time coming to know God. So, please give your best self to the kids in your life as well. And be strong for them. Don’t let them bring their phones to the dance. Let them be themselves for once.