A new baby and a lizard-brain

I became a father last week. My wife and I welcomed a baby boy, born healthy, thank God. He and his mom are doing very well. Both are getting stronger every day. I was so thrilled when he came out and I saw his broad, high shoulders and big wide hands. Physically, I am anything but “sturdy”. So, I was incredibly grateful to see how strong he looked. He did have to spend about 15 hours in the NICU. After being with us for a little while the nurses were concerned about his breathing. (He was a few weeks early, and I wasn’t surprised, given my own breathing issues) So, they brought him in and hooked him up to a CPAP for a while. But then they gave him back! And, after another night of observation, we came home. Four nights in total in the hospital.

I have now been a dad for 10 days and I am enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would. I expected it to be all work. But the little guy is so cute that I find myself actually enjoying feeding him, changing him (well, that is not always fun) and hanging out with him. Maybe it is just the way my brain has evolved. The creatures that enjoyed taking care of their young did a good job of it. Their children survived, grew up and passed on that trait. Evolution or not, I find taking care of him to be the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I am 40 years old. So, I have more life experience than most first time dads. I think that gives me more experiences to compare this to, and more reason to be grateful.

Being a dad is also changing my perspective on Kindergarteners. Some of my friends and family members have kids who are starting school in a few weeks. I had been thinking that I would write something to parents, giving them my advice for how to raise kids who will be successful in school. I’m sure that this already sounds arrogant and preachy. But, before I get too far into this, I want to say that my definition of “successful in school” is not entirely based on academics. IMO a successful student is one who can listen, reflect, learn, and get along with others.

Based on that, the advice I was going to give is simple: give children your time and attention. Give them yourself, not things. In my opinion, spoiled children are spoiled by things, not by attention. Parents shy away from their children so that they can focus on themselves. They put things between them and their child. When their child is needy, they try to appease them with toys, sugar, and or screens. What children really want is the undivided attention of their parent. That is their survival instinct. That is what their brain is wired to seek. If they get that, they can feel secure for the rest of their lives. And, trust me, deep rooted insecurity is a major factor in success or struggle at school.

I will briefly recount two examples. I had a student who had access to a smartphone all day (and all night during school). His mom gave him her cell phone so that she could do housework, and he entertained himself on TikTok. (She was a single mom and had to find time for her duties.) At school, he was extremely needy and had zero patience. He could not handle any setbacks, no matter how small. Once, the block tower he was building fell over. That alone was enough to send him into a range. He yelled, “These blocks are being mean to me!” and stormed out of the room, flipping a few chairs on the way. One day an educator tried to talk to him about his behaviour and, while she was speaking to him, he, in all seriousness, tried to swipe her away like he was swiping away a TikTok video. To be fair, this guy had other issues. His brain was also scrambled from his parents fighting at home. (And eventually splitting up) That would be my second piece of advice: do not fight in front of your child. (I know that takes the cooperation of your partner)

O.k. I need to switch gears and start talking positively. So, I’ll give a positive example:

I once went over to my brother’s house, trying to escape my troubles. I was in my first semester of teaching, the emotional high had worn off, and I was feeling worn out and pessimistic. So, I sought something comfortable and mind-numbing, like beers with my brother. (Maybe you have your own favourite escape?) I brought some beers over, but my brother was living a busy dad life, with a baby and a 3-year-old, and their mom not yet home from work. Once we had opened a beer and had a quick chat, he asked me to watch the 3-year-old (my nephew) so that he could take the baby upstairs to feed and change him. (Something that I now understand can take a while) So, even though I had gone over to escape the feeling of being responsible for children, I was now tasked with entertaining a 3-year-old.

We started out with some familiar chase-around stuff. But eventually I tired, so I sat on the couch and started looking at my phone. My nephew wasn’t satisfied. He still wanted my attention. So, I tried to get him to engage with some of the toys in the room. I wanted him to do something independently so that I could veg-out. But he wasn’t having it. What he wanted was me. Eventually I had a bit of inspiration. (Sometimes, in my life, I get clarity. I know what to do, and I have the peace of mind to do it. I think that those moments come more frequently when I am praying regularly.) The inspiration was simple: I put my phone away and looked at him. I gave him my attention. I didn’t have any energy to give. I didn’t have fun ideas, games, songs, funny faces or anything else. All I had was me, and so that is what I gave him. And, I realized, that was the key. That was the magic. That is what we are being asked to do.

What was the result? When he saw that he had my full attention, my nephew was overjoyed. He started smiling and laughing and climbing on me, rolling on me, and trying to do handstands on me. He was having a great time! And I wasn’t doing anything at all. He was just happy to have my undivided attention. That is all that he really wanted, and that is all that we need to give to children.

Now… I have been a father for 10 days and I realize how big of a challenge it is to do something so simple as give a child your undivided attention. Why? Parenting is tiring and stressful and when I am tired and stressed I seek escape. I have constructive escapes like walking, exercise, and meditation. But sometimes I seek destructive escapes. My wife says that that is the “Lizard brain”. When we are stressed, we focus on our basic desires. We try to satisfy and protect ourselves. Often, we either flee from others or, subconsciously, we drive others away. I think that, in 2025 the Lizard brain manifests most often as people slumped into their couches, staring blankly at their phones. (And I honestly think that we are devolving as a species.)

More than once over the last 10 days I have been so tired and emotionally worn out that I have found myself seeking escapes from my child. I just wanted some me-time. So, can I really judge the lady who gave her son TikTok so that she could do housework?

I think that our society is in a crisis of stress right now. Why? There are countless reasons. On the one hand, we are the most comfortable that we have ever been. On the other hand, we are, overall, very stressed and depressed. Everyone has their issues. But, in general, I think it boils down to the fact that we no longer live in a natural way, in connection to our land, our food supply, and our community. Nothing on our phones can compensate for that.

So, we are stressed, and we seek escapes in various indulgences. And, those indulgences draw our attention away from those that need it most: children.

What is the solution? Well, we will never be perfect at it. But, if we have moments of clarity, when we know what to do and have the peace of mind to do it, I think that we should try to be present to the moment, and to those around us. We should try to take a mental and emotional stand, and try to tolerate the present moment without seeking an escape. God can help us with that.

I think of modern life like a river. We are, for the most part, being carried along by our whims and desires. But, if we can plant our feet in the river bed and stand against the current, feeling the incredible weight and pressure of the flowing water, we will be washed clean. That is why being present in the moment feels so powerful.

Meditators know about the secret of the present moment. So do the contemplatives (those who seek God in prayer). Children need us to be present. We need to be present. That is where we find peace for ourselves and for those around us. Everything in our society is working against us in that regard. Phones, social media, food delivery apps, streaming services, craft beer, etc. Everything wants our attention.

When I can’t control where I give my attention, I ask God for help. And, when I need peace the most, I always find it in him.